“I’m glad we’re having a rehearsal dinner, I rarely practice my meals before I eat.”
“It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.”
“What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?”
"This parachute is a knapsack!"
“Hi, I'm Chandler. I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable."
"You're a door. You only like knock-knock jokes."
Rachel: "Hey, I cook!"
Chandler: "Offering people gum is not cooking."
“Oh, man. In my next life, I’m coming back as a toilet brush!”
“Oh, I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!'”
“Alright, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put my career before men.”
“When I first meet somebody it’s usually panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.”
“Oh god. Can open. Worms everywhere!”
“I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.”
"I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last twelve hundred times."
"I say more dumb things before 9 A.M. than most people say all day."
"Until I was 25, I thought the response to 'I love you' was 'Oh, crap.'"
"I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name."
“Well, maybe he was nervous.”
“No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”
“Cheese. It’s milk that you chew.”
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