Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?” 

 "Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?" 

“Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.” 

If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer.” 

 “Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months, will you greet us? I will … buy you some Adidas.” 

“I’m a lady, Monica. I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself.”

"I wish I could, but I don't want to." 

“I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from ‘Who’s the Boss?’… You know, ‘Hold me closer, Tony Danza.’”

“You should see me when I actually… Oh actually, no, I look good.”

 "See? He's her lobster!" 

 “You love divorce so much, you’re probably gonna marry it — and then it won’t work out, so you’re gonna have to divorce it.” 

 “I’m very wise, I know.” 

“Princess Consuela Bananahammock.” 

"They don't know that we know they know we know." 

“Didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off, you know, like when you were running toward the swings or running away from Satan?”

 “Something is wrong with the left phalange.” 

 Monica: "Do you have a plan?"

Phoebe: "I don't even have a "pla."

“Oh, my God, a woman flirting with a single man? We must alert the church elders!”

 "It's so exhausting, waiting for death."

13 bathrooms in this place, I threw up in a coat closet."