If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer.”
"Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it." —Monica Geller
"Now, I need you to be careful and efficient. And remember: If I am harsh with you, it's only because you're doing it wrong." —Monica Geller
"Not just clean, 'Monica clean.'" —Monica Geller
Rachel: “I’m not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he’s divorced.”
Monica: “No, you go after them five minutes before they get married.”
"Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!" —Monica Geller
"Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?" —Monica Geller
"You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, 'I'm not fired.' Ha." —Monica Geller
Rachel: "Go tell him he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?"
Monica: "He could hear me."
"If you're too afraid to be in a relationship, then don't be in one." —Monica Geller
"It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship." —Monica Geller
Monica: “I know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.”
Rachel: “What’s the other one?”
Monica: “I don’t know. I’ve never had to use the other one.”
"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" —Chandler Bing
"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!" —Chandler Bing
“So it seems like this Internet thing is here to stay." —Chandler Bing
"If I were a guy and... Did I just say 'if I were a guy?' —Chandler Bing
“Cheese. It’s milk that you chew.”
“No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”
“Well, maybe he was nervous.”
"I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name."
"Until I was 25, I thought the response to 'I love you' was 'Oh, crap.'"
"I say more dumb things before 9 A.M. than most people say all day."
"I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last twelve hundred times."
“I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.”
“Oh god. Can open. Worms everywhere!”
“When I first meet somebody it’s usually panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.”
“Alright, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put my career before men.”
“Oh, I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!'”
“Oh, man. In my next life, I’m coming back as a toilet brush!”
Rachel: "Hey, I cook!"
Chandler: "Offering people gum is not cooking."
"You're a door. You only like knock-knock jokes."
“Hi, I'm Chandler. I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable."
"This parachute is a knapsack!"
“What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?”
“It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.”
“I’m glad we’re having a rehearsal dinner, I rarely practice my meals before I eat.”
To Ross: “If you’re not careful, you might not get married at all this year.”
I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work, and/or are sick
"Oh you like that? You should hear my phone number."
“Come on, Ross, you’re a paleontologist. Dig a little deeper.”
Well, if she isn’t (dead), cremating her was a big mistake.”
“I’m a pacifist. But when the revolution comes, I’ll destroy all of you.”
13 bathrooms in this place, I threw up in a coat closet."
"It's so exhausting, waiting for death."
“Oh, my God, a woman flirting with a single man? We must alert the church elders!”
Monica: "Do you have a plan?"
Phoebe: "I don't even have a "pla."
“Something is wrong with the left phalange.”
“Didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off, you know, like when you were running toward the swings or running away from Satan?”
"They don't know that we know they know we know."
“Princess Consuela Bananahammock.”
“I’m very wise, I know.”
“You love divorce so much, you’re probably gonna marry it — and then it won’t work out, so you’re gonna have to divorce it.”
"See? He's her lobster!"
“You should see me when I actually… Oh actually, no, I look good.”
“I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from ‘Who’s the Boss?’… You know, ‘Hold me closer, Tony Danza.’”
"I wish I could, but I don't want to."
“I’m a lady, Monica. I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself.”
“Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months, will you greet us? I will … buy you some Adidas.”
“Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.”
"Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?"
Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?”
“We are dessert stealers. We are living outside the law.”
“That’s a great story. Tell it while you’re getting me some iced tea.”
"He's so pretty, I want to cry."
“Oh my God. I’ve become my father. I’ve been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn’t see this coming.”
“How long do cats live? Like assuming you don’t throw ‘em under a bus or something?”
“It’s like all my life everyone’s told me, ‘You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe!’ Well, what if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse or a hat?”
"No uterus, no opinion."
“Today, it’s like there’s rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.”
“Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?”
“Ross! We broke up two years ago. You’ve been married since then. I think it’s okay that we see other people.”
"Oh I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?"
“You know what? I just shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions anymore.”
“I’m gonna go get one of those job things.”
Isn’t this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally… not worth it. Who’s FICA? Why’s he getting all my money?”
"I hope it's still funny when you're in hell."
“Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight: I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’m a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night I’m still a little drunk?”
Oh, that's okay, girls tend to not like me."
“Oh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?”
“Well, maybe I don’t need your money. Wait, wait! I said, ‘Maybe
“These are just feelings. They’ll go away.”
“Here come the meat sweats.”
“I look a woman up and down and say, "How you doin'?"
“Well, the fridge broke, so I had to eat everything.”
“Over the line? You’re so far past the line that you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you!”
“You can’t just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do?
“You don’t own a TV? What’s all your furniture pointed at?”
“I like it. What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Good.”
“Okay. So I’m out four thousand dollars and nobody’s boobs are getting any bigger?”
. “Look at me! I’m Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?”
“That’s right, I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help. If I had to, I’d pee on any one of you!”
“Man, I’m starving. What was I thinking at dinner? ‘Do you want soup or salad?’ Both. Always order both.”
"Ah, humor based on my pain. Ah, ha, ha."
