"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" —Chandler Bing
“Cheese. It’s milk that you chew.”
“No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”
“Well, maybe he was nervous.”
"I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name."
"Until I was 25, I thought the response to 'I love you' was 'Oh, crap.'"
"I say more dumb things before 9 A.M. than most people say all day."
"I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last twelve hundred times."
“I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.”
“Oh god. Can open. Worms everywhere!”
“When I first meet somebody it’s usually panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.”
“Alright, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put my career before men.”
“Oh, I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!'”
“Oh, man. In my next life, I’m coming back as a toilet brush!”
Rachel: "Hey, I cook!"
Chandler: "Offering people gum is not cooking."
"You're a door. You only like knock-knock jokes."
“Hi, I'm Chandler. I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable."
"This parachute is a knapsack!"
“What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?”
“It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.”
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