"I wish I could, but I don't want to."
“I’m a lady, Monica. I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself.”
“Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months, will you greet us? I will … buy you some Adidas.”
If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer.”
“Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.”
"Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?"
Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?”
“We are dessert stealers. We are living outside the law.”
“That’s a great story. Tell it while you’re getting me some iced tea.”
"He's so pretty, I want to cry."
“Oh my God. I’ve become my father. I’ve been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn’t see this coming.”
“How long do cats live? Like assuming you don’t throw ‘em under a bus or something?”
“It’s like all my life everyone’s told me, ‘You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe!’ Well, what if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse or a hat?”
"No uterus, no opinion."
“Today, it’s like there’s rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.”
“Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?”
“Ross! We broke up two years ago. You’ve been married since then. I think it’s okay that we see other people.”
"Oh I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?"
“You know what? I just shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions anymore.”
“I’m gonna go get one of those job things.”
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