"I say more dumb things before 9 A.M. than most people say all day."

"Until I was 25, I thought the response to 'I love you' was 'Oh, crap.'"

 "I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name."

“Well, maybe he was nervous.”

“No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”

 “Cheese. It’s milk that you chew.”

 "If I were a guy and... Did I just say 'if I were a guy?' —Chandler Bing

 “So it seems like this Internet thing is here to stay." —Chandler Bing

"I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!" —Chandler Bing 

"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" —Chandler Bing 

Monica: “I know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.”

Rachel: “What’s the other one?”

Monica: “I don’t know. I’ve never had to use the other one.”

"It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship." —Monica Geller

"If you're too afraid to be in a relationship, then don't be in one." —Monica Geller

Rachel: "Go tell him he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?"

Monica: "He could hear me."

 "You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, 'I'm not fired.' Ha." —Monica Geller

 "Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?" —Monica Geller

"Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!" —Monica Geller

Monica: “No, you go after them five minutes before they get married.”

 Rachel: “I’m not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he’s divorced.”

"Not just clean, 'Monica clean.'" —Monica Geller