Isn’t this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally… not worth it. Who’s FICA? Why’s he getting all my money?”
“I’m gonna go get one of those job things.”
“You know what? I just shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions anymore.”
"Oh I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?"
“Ross! We broke up two years ago. You’ve been married since then. I think it’s okay that we see other people.”
“Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?”
“Today, it’s like there’s rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.”
"No uterus, no opinion."
“It’s like all my life everyone’s told me, ‘You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe!’ Well, what if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse or a hat?”
“How long do cats live? Like assuming you don’t throw ‘em under a bus or something?”
“Oh my God. I’ve become my father. I’ve been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn’t see this coming.”
"He's so pretty, I want to cry."
“That’s a great story. Tell it while you’re getting me some iced tea.”
“We are dessert stealers. We are living outside the law.”
Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?”
"Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?"
“Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.”
If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer.”
“Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months, will you greet us? I will … buy you some Adidas.”
“I’m a lady, Monica. I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself.”
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