“These are just feelings. They’ll go away.” 

“Well, maybe I don’t need your money. Wait, wait! I said, ‘Maybe

“Oh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?”

Oh, that's okay, girls tend to not like me."

“Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight: I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’m a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night I’m still a little drunk?”

"I hope it's still funny when you're in hell." 

Isn’t this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally… not worth it. Who’s FICA? Why’s he getting all my money?”

“I’m gonna go get one of those job things.”

 “You know what? I just shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions anymore.”

 "Oh I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?"

 “Ross! We broke up two years ago. You’ve been married since then. I think it’s okay that we see other people.” 

“Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?”

“Today, it’s like there’s rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.”

"No uterus, no opinion." 

“It’s like all my life everyone’s told me, ‘You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe!’ Well, what if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse or a hat?”

“How long do cats live? Like assuming you don’t throw ‘em under a bus or something?” 

 “Oh my God. I’ve become my father. I’ve been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn’t see this coming.”

"He's so pretty, I want to cry."

 “That’s a great story. Tell it while you’re getting me some iced tea.” 

 “We are dessert stealers. We are living outside the law.”