"Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?"
Why can’t parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?”
“We are dessert stealers. We are living outside the law.”
“That’s a great story. Tell it while you’re getting me some iced tea.”
"He's so pretty, I want to cry."
“Oh my God. I’ve become my father. I’ve been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn’t see this coming.”
“How long do cats live? Like assuming you don’t throw ‘em under a bus or something?”
“It’s like all my life everyone’s told me, ‘You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe!’ Well, what if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse or a hat?”
"No uterus, no opinion."
“Today, it’s like there’s rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.”
“Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?”
“Ross! We broke up two years ago. You’ve been married since then. I think it’s okay that we see other people.”
"Oh I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?"
“You know what? I just shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions anymore.”
“I’m gonna go get one of those job things.”
Isn’t this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally… not worth it. Who’s FICA? Why’s he getting all my money?”
"I hope it's still funny when you're in hell."
“Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I’m not drinking on this date tonight: I’m a recovering alcoholic, I’m a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night I’m still a little drunk?”
Oh, that's okay, girls tend to not like me."
“Oh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?”
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