"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" —Chandler Bing
"I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name."
“I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.”
“Oh, I know. This must be so hard. ‘Oh, no! Two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!'”
“Cheese. It’s milk that you chew.”
"Until I was 25, I thought the response to 'I love you' was 'Oh, crap.'"
“Oh god. Can open. Worms everywhere!”
“Oh, man. In my next life, I’m coming back as a toilet brush!”
“No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.”
"I say more dumb things before 9 A.M. than most people say all day."
“When I first meet somebody it’s usually panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating.”
Rachel: "Hey, I cook!"
Chandler: "Offering people gum is not cooking."
“Well, maybe he was nervous.”
"I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last twelve hundred times."
“Alright, I took the quiz. And it turns out I do put my career before men.”
"You're a door. You only like knock-knock jokes."